Dress up; what it really means for your boys.

Exploring themes of Self Understanding, Self acceptance & our place within society, Rachael uses an everyday experience with her own children.

Today Dylan asked a very logical question ‘why can’t boys wear dresses?’.

We discussed fashions from all over history & all over the world. How men still wear skirt like clothes in some cultures; in some people wear very little at all! How men wore long hair until only the Victorian era (how quickly we forget ey?) And my cousin reminded me of kilts in Scotland (how could I forget fellow Celts!). Clothes were originally animal skins worn to keep warm which certainly looked nothing like trousers!

Something that was functional has become part of our peacock display. Which is a beautiful thing!

Fashion is what dictates and we no longer need to worry about fashion telling us what to wear. We choose to express ourselves, like the beautiful peacock through the feathers we adorn ourselves in. Our clothes.

These are conversations we’ve had before, but today there was something different. Today he asked if he could wear a dress. Course; let’s look through the dress up stuff as that’s going to be bigger. Much to growls from his 6 year old sister of ‘he’ll tear them!’ & from the 2 year old ‘mine!’. But this one fits & he’s very happy.

Dylan learning to type!

He asked interesting questions about ‘what will daddy say when he sees me?’ & ‘what would people at school say if I wore a dress to school?’. And we talked about that.

When we stop children exploring & therefore understanding themselves at a young age, we cause them all sorts of problems later on. And I’m not just talking about realising he’s transgender at a young age. Which may or may not be the case. He’s exploring his personality in a way which I can’t possibly understand.

The negative association of a man wearing a dress, especially for a logical autistic thinker like Dylan, means that he can make very black and white decisions. Which may lead to him becoming transphobic or simply seeing dressing up as a taboo. He may have issues with female partners dressing up, or insisting they ‘dress as a woman should do’. Taboo topics can lead to obsessing instead of exploring. The inner knowledge that there is still a need to explore something that’s ‘wrong’ causes inner turmoil which may need to explode out. In much the same way your child tics or has melt downs when a feeling becomes too much, this is just as relevant for adults. (to really see the extremes of an adult needing to let it all out, I suggest you watch the series Mindhunter about the FBI first investigating the mindsets or serial killers & what drives them).

A friend @nici_rambles recently spoke about allowing our kids to be submersed in something till they work it through their system. So allowing Dylan to work this through wearing a dress may be just today, it maybe longer or intermittent or permanent.

But I’m ensuring he explores himself in a safe way, not seeing parts of himself as wrong.

Many of you will think it’s just dress up; what’s the fuss?! And I love you for that attitude! So many people still make comments or laugh at their boys for being ‘girly’ or tell them to man up. That by somehow ‘toughening’ anyone up is needed nowadays.

You’ll hear me talk time & again about how we are living like we are surviving, rather than realising that for many in the West, we are already living in a utopia.

This fear which links being female is not only untrue (how many of us come from female strong families or know of generations who were raised by women as men went off; went off to die in war or just went off! And the results were stronger more balanced individuals). This attitude is outdated. By at least 2 generations.

I was raised in a house where my parents backed each other up in front of us. I don’t do that.

It’s healthy for children to see that adults are not perfect; that they should be questioned and not some oracle that needs to be obeyed. They questioning and not accepting is a great thing. To see how we work through disagreements, otherwise they won’t have the tools to use as an adult. To not accept things as they are; but to choose how we think and act. To know that everyone can disagree and still love each other.

So, disagree with your other half, other family members or complete strangers (you really don’t owe the latter group anything!). Stick up for your boys, & girls, self exploration no matter how they want to do it.

It’ll be one of the greatest gifts you can give them. To know that they are safe, held, loved & accepted no matter what.

And knowing they won’t have to wait like we did, until our thirties & forties & beyond to do it!

Love as always

Rachael