RuPaul Saved Me! My journey back to worshipping my physical self. (5 min read)

Journey from self love to self adoration, how the catalyst for that can be the journey of others,Women’s ‘physical’ roles in societyand why men looking at women from a different perspective frees us all.

Okay, I am being a little melodramatic here. But the sentiment is still there.

Coming out of the Closet

I am at a stage in my life where I am putting myself out there more and more; being seen on a public platform. If you’ve read my other blog about my relationship, (here) with makeup and reclaiming my power with it, you will know that I have had issues with my outward appearance since I developed acne at about 10 years old.

‘Being Perfect’ producing imperfect results

I also have perfectionist issues. Which may surprise you! I accept myself, my personality, wholly and fully, and that is an attitude I have had most of my life. I generally think I am a good person and like me! But everything that is an expression of that, get’s a the third degree! I also don’t hold other people to the same standards. I expect a lot from me. Which really serves me most of the time.

Expecting a lot from myself has meant that I am able to achieve so much; push myself past a point where I could have given up or stepped away.

But I also expect to look perfect. And I had a baby 18 months ago. The pregnancy came off the back of a really difficult 18 months, where I had managed to get my emotional health back, but not my physical health back. Plus I nearly died during the birth of my youngest; the preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome still causing me issues now. So, you know, I am not back to the size 12 which is not only healthy, but makes me feel good. And importantly I don’t expect to be. I have managed to face my own personal demons on putting so much pressure on myself I have unrealistic expectations on myself, that I wouldn’t apply to someone else. I made that particular demon my best friend; I made myself my best friend!

And I am a comfort eater at the best of times. I have yoyo dieted much of my life. Getting up to a size which wasn’t comfortable, and then bringing myself back down. Being so unaware, or feeling so unsupported in my life, then turned to a primal support; nutrition! I enjoy food and it gives me pleasure. I am not a fuel food person. As an independent individual, I have realised I turn to food to prop up my foundations.

I practice mindful eating now, allowing myself to be aware of what I’m eating, why I am hungry, how my body responds to what I eat. And that has served me well in terms of weight loss in the past, as my body gains it’s equilibrium. But when the going gets tough, give me a nice plate of food and I feel good! And I accept that about me. Many of us are taught to punish ourselves for eating, for having an appetite. I don’t do that. I accept myself wholly and fully. But that is a journey which has taken me some time to get to. So why is there still a niggle for me in this area?

Self Love to Self Worship in the Best Possible Way

I am at a time in my life and my career, where accepting myself isn’t enough. Loving myself isn’t enough. How can I put myself out there, put out this image, when I don’t adore myself? When I don’t absolutely worship this body image? After all, if I don’t who else will? This was my sticking point which I didn’t quite now how to work through. There was still something in me which felt that worshipping yourself was arrogant and vain; a slippery slope to narcissism.

So RuPaul’s Drag Race came at just the right time.

I have been very conscious of this for about 6 months now. And aware that I needed to put myself out more and more. This is my time. I have had my last baby and I love the messages that I have to share with the world. That yearning to make a difference to the planet by unapologetically being me is there stronger then ever. So in order to be unapologetically me, I need to stop apologising for not being skinny and letting that stop me getting myself out there. Doesn’t take a genius to work that out.

One of my dear friends had been banging on about RuPaul for ages. Attitude. Spirituality. Love. So when Drag Race UK appeared I started to watch every week. And once that ended, I have been binging the entire US series.

A wonderful mix of glam, drama and sisterhood. What was wonderful is that there was a right to say when you needed to say. A need to call out those whose head was too firmly up their backside. Love and sisterhood; support but with the harsh edge of mumma’s advice when needed.

What underlies all of this is a group of men who have had to come out, all with very different responses from families, friends and school mates. And not just come out. But to also then say they enjoy dressing up so much, that they are going to get up on a stage and make it their work! (majority are Drag Queens on the show rather than Trans Women). They have taken a body and a face which everyone has told them should not be painted and covered in rhinestones, and done just that. Putting themselves on a stage for everyone to see. They haven’t just had to accept who they are in order to come out, in order to put themselves up on a pedestal, but absolutely adore themselves. At that level, any crack can be seen, amplified by the HD. If they don’t believe it, then how will anyone else?

But of course they aren’t there yet. Would any of us be prepared for that? And there is Mumma Ru and the straight talking, New Jersey gal Michelle Visage at her side, guiding them through. Nurturing where they need to be. Pushing in other areas. Getting them to see other perspectives to themselves. And honestly some of the most beautiful inner child work I’ve ever seen! And all done through a veil of Joy! If you haven’t heard RuPaul cackle, you haven’t had a laugh! Not taking yourself too seriously; the only nose that ever gets knocked out of joint at a joke at it’s owner’s expense, is the one pointing the wrong way anyway!

Those of you who follow my work and the Banshee (intro blog here if you haven’t caught up yet!), know this is right up my street! Balancing personal responsibility with deep healing. Feeling the love. Speaking out Truths. And Drawing our Tribe close with Joy.

And so as I fell in love with these people and their journeys, and with Ru and his wonderful way of real, authentic love, I saw how they transformed themselves. Everytime they went on stage. They took on a new persona. A new part of themselves shining through. I remembered how I used to love getting ready for a night out. And trying new make-up styles. I may not have a night life, or fit into my dresses like I used to, but I deserved to take the time, care and attention to make myself feel better. So I started doing that daily; getting up an extra 10 mins early rather then rushing to get out the door.

And with that extra slick of mascara and liquid eyeliner, I started thinking more about the clothes I put on. Inspired by the ‘larger queens’ I stopped covering up and instead chose outfits that made me feel kick ass. Who cared if others looked at me and thought it was ‘too much’ for the school playground or the supermarket; I’m all for not allowing others to keep their opinions of me to themselves. I am not going to allow my act of self love, to be twisted into anything but what it is. They can own that twisting; it’s not mine to hold. I’m still bleary eyed in the morning (whoever thought 9am was a good time to be in school needs to have a word with themselves!) and chatty on the school pick up. I’m still the amazing person I have always been; why should I dumb myself down so that people find me less threatening and more amiable? I haven’t done that with my intelligence so why should I do that with my looks? I can’t stop others looking at me and worrying I am taking attention from them, or stop them feeling bad as I remind them they are not like me. And I know I will draw who I need to, to me. Those that are looking for a genuine person to chat to. Those that don’t judge based on outside appearance. Those that lift others up, rather than feel that pang of insecurity when they look at others.

And that extra slick of mascara or smart top has enabled me to feel better about myself. The more I felt better about myself, the more I did for myself. Put on some eyeshadow. Bought a new pair of heels. Watched some more Drag Race! Walked unapologetically into a space. Did my nails. Watched more Drag Race!

Women’s physical roles in society

Women are plugged into two boxes – if you put on too much make up you are only interested in yourself, or don’t care about your kids enough, or are looking for ‘it’. Or don’t wear any; show that you are intelligent, that your focus in on everyone bar yourself. Judge the other group for being fat so they don’t care, or skinny so they care too much about themselves.

Well, I am none of that and all of that. And so are all of us. I do not need to prove that I am a good mum by presenting myself in a way which makes me feel down. I do not need to display my self love to all by getting back into shape within 2 months after producing another human being. I need to be me. That’s the long and short of it.

And as I remember who I am physically, I have RuPaul and the girls from Drag Race to help me with that. They refocused me on remembering I am a human being, not just a spirit.

I have done so well on loving my Spirit; my soul. I need to ground that out. I need to make that a reality. And I do that by fiercely loving myself on the physical. Any good healer knows that this is the final layer we must all work through when we are healing mindsets. And I am here now, coming out on the other side of a lifetime of owning others people’s opinions as to what a ‘woman’ should look like.

One Giant Leap for others, means one small step for me!

So thank you Mumma Ru! Thank you to all the Drag Ladies. Thank you for reminding me that my step back to myself is only small, when I see how far you have had to tred. For giving me the perspective that I haven’t changed as a person at all; I just needed to look at myself through the soft focus.

I would love to hear your own stories and struggles and how my story resonates with you.

Love as always

Rachael x