Change; Rachael 2.0. My latest version of myself in life, and many others. And how life forces us down a road for the better, and how this allows us to take life easier.

It’s funny how something you are so desperate for can change your life in more ways then you expected.

I am of course talking about parenthood.

For those of you who haven’t had children, or really don’t see yourself doing so, please continue reading, as this blog is in fact about change, and how we deal with that, even if we think we know what’s coming.

I’d known for a long time that I wanted kids. I’d always had an understanding of the true implication of having children, as many of us do.

When bringing a life into the world, it is effectively an act of self. A child never asks to be born. So this is in fact a huge responsibility. It is a need or desire in us that we are fulfilling. Yes a deep need that is routed in our DNA on a level I cannot begin to imagine, but still a self fulfilling need.

Everyone struggles with relationships, and I was no different. Long term and short term. Trying to find someone that loves me for my perceived faults and perceived goodness as a whole. And someone I felt the same way about.

So I, quite rightly, took my time with that one.

So I found someone I actually could imagine having these precious little bundles with.

Then went about trying to make them. Which was harder than you may initially think. Issues with my reproductive system, which actually led to me being very physically ill. Which we got over and got round.

Then, I got what I wanted! I got pregnant! yeay!

What surprised me was that I was in quite an advantageous position. Due to the that I had a large family and had changed numerous nappies before, had seen an experienced mother look after her children (my own mum), I had much of the basic stuff we struggle with ok. Not saying it was perfect, but much of the everyday stuff I could do. (The fact that we no longer live in what would have been natural family groups, watching others rear their children, is a conversation saved for another time).

In the pre-natal class (lovely nurses, but really? All fluffy talk of birth which really didn’t help – sat around talking to level headed, older experienced mums over several weeks would have fitted the bill much better) out of twelve people sat in the room I was the only one who had ever changed a nappy! yeay! Go me!!

I had spent the last few years, since my mid-twenties, embarking on my journey of giving over to self, or giving over to the process of life. I had done well with it. First thing was to get out of a long term relationship (funny init!). But it had seen me through depression after that relationship, and the loss of friendships after that break-up. It had seen me through family death, new jobs, new friends, dating, house moves, relying on self on a whole new level, new relationship, my spiritual gifts opening up on a whole new level, extreme illness, redundancy, crazy ex’s, self-employment in many levels. And much of it was fun and I was enjoying not having to worry as when I let life flow, when I went with my gut, or took the most out of every experience and situation that I could, everything worked out beautifully.

Now, I had a little person to think about. And then, oops, another one too! (that old adage of you wait for the bus then three come along at once . . . hmmm).

And, totally naturally and understandably, that need to provide and be stable, and do the right thing kicked in. And I began to worry. All the normal issues that face most people at times in their life; work, relationships, friendships, money, homes, child care, schools, parenting. And importantly change of self, of what defines me. I’m really not a mumsy mum, if you know what I mean, and I had to get used to not being a monetary provider. My husband’s role for himself also changed – the main monetary provider now. This change was something I was having difficulty adapting to, and one my husband found very blocking in terms of his own self image. Actually, in blocking being a mother, I was blocking the new ways I was providing. I know better than anyone else, there is far more to child rearing than money. But it’s just become clear to me that in restricting my perception of what providing was, I was restricting myself. And in doing so, again not allowing my life to flow. I was providing; all the providing that a child needs in terms of love, learning and laughter. In fact, just as vital as the food in their bellies and the roof over their heads. Although I again expected this change, I didn’t understand the true scope of the change.

And I was just about on top of that. Just about managing it. But over the last 6 months I have had a lot of stuff thrown at me. Again normal stuff, but when it happens all one after the other, the little s**t just becomes unmanageable. Friends and family seriously ill and in hospital, family pets dying (I’m not apologising for loving a non-human deeply, although many people still don’t get that sadly), change in family dynamics on a larger and smaller scale, and illness, for me. A-f***ing-gain. Non of this is news to you; we all go through these periods. But my biggest change has come as a result of this period.

The last thing really threw me. I can do the caring for others, that’s easy. But the caring for self? Plus, hadn’t I dealt with this s**t before?? Hadn’t I got through all of this and got to the bloody seed?! And I was stressed already and I actually have been quite angry about it. But angry at who? God, Spirit? No, me? As I’m very aware there is some higher learning in all of this, but bugger me if I knew what it was I’d decided to learn through this experience. But that anger bubbles up and I do have a tendency to throw the toys out the pram, when the pram gets shaken too much!

Where was I?? Where was the generally, go with the flow kind of gal I was? I have always been. I still put the little stuff into perspective, but so much bigger stuff was literally making me blow my top!! So if I was still putting things into perspective, and I was still changing into a person I didn’t like, then what else was I going to change to prevent this?

So I was aptly reminded that I had the tools to manage my stress. I was reminded of how to manage my stress in a really fundamental way, through my hypnotherapy – please look at this blog for the exercise I was given.

I then decided to get my act into gear and get back into regular connection and meditation. And if any of you have been joining me, or wish to join me, and effectively help me in doing so, please have a look at my videos on facebook – the ones named regular are the quick (for me!) catch ups and the Basics ones have more info.

I can battle, and plan, and do and organise. These are things I can do. And so I decided to remember who I was and take this on; as a challenge I had clearly set myself. I was grabbing it by the b**ls and not letting go. And that is what I’m doing. Some parts of me really don’t need to change in order to do this.

I’ve changed my diet to take anything out which will really effect my hormones; red meat went out ages ago, but now I’ve looked at the dairy and the eggs in my diet. Great for growing little chicks and baby cows quickly, but what else are these encouraging my body to grow quickly? (the dis-ease which is currently affecting me is one called endometriosis and I don’t want that to grow!). And actually, this change was really easy. I’d built it up in my head to be a big deal. But one day I walked into the supermarket and walked around thinking about what I usually buy and very easily choosing another item off the shelf! But this has been a stepped change; I rid red meat from my diet years ago and the white meat again went a little while ago. So this was just a little change I could very easily deal with. All I had to do was decide to.

The biggest thing which effects all of our hormones is stress! All of that Adrenalin kicking around our bodies with no flight or fight response needed, as the stressful situation is your boss, the kids or the pratt in the car behind you. I’d already begun working on that change, but from a totally different angle; the reason I had chosen to change how I dealt with that was due to managing my stress and how that made me feel. And look, here it was having an effect on my emotional and physical being (funny that ey?!)

I had planned to take this summer off to do some work for myself and to write. So having planned this, the Universe had conspired for me to use this time for the best. All the recent trials had pushed me to a point where I needed to make more changes; to go deeper.

I realised I needed to allow my life to flow again; to just be. That is going to be an ongoing process. I was going to use the word struggle rather than process. But I’ve decided that it’s not going to be a struggle, and aware of the power that each of us possess, and the power of our words, I’ve changed that 🙂

Part of my current process is asking for help; not taking the responsibility on my shoulders. And part of that is with the healing. As healers we often feel that we should have it all sown up, and of course we are just human so we don’t.

And actually in trying to figure things out in my own head, and not ‘burdening’ others with my issues, I am actually doing myself more detriment then good. I’m quite good at stepping back and looking at my own rubbish with perspective, but it was pointed out to me that actually it is important to ask others for help. A burden lightened, yes, but also, importantly, others have knowledge we don’t have, they maybe able to look at in a way we couldn’t have even imagined. And I have actually found that by sharing, what I have done is to draw others closer to me; that feeling of inherent loneliness that I have always had diminishing.

This is a change I have been working on maybe for a year or so. And just when I think I have it licked, I realise I have to take it to another level.

As part of this process of reaching out, I actually accepted an invitation for a healing which a mentor and friend suggested I do. A deep healing of vow removal. I had done a lot of work over many years in this area, but I have never been through a deep and gentle process like this one. I would highly recommend it or if you are a healing looking to expand your horizons Ann is a wonderful teacher also; Soul Balance Therapy.

Having found the source of much of my blocks, which I had spent a lifetime on working on, I had them removed in one go. And you know what? I feel amazing.

Now, Change, real Change. Fundamental, soul searching, deep, blustering change, where you feel like a different person type of change. You know? CHANGE! That’s got to be hard right? That’s scary, and can we do it? Is it even within our capabilities? What if it goes wrong? What if it’s the wrong change? ARGH!!!!

But no. You know what? This has been the easiest change of all.

I’ve removed every block I’ve ever created. Lots of promises made in deep dark times. When the world was a different place. Where life had been hard. When you did have to use that Adrenalin to fight or run. Where I had learned to survive and to draw on parts of me that I don’t need as much now.

Life has changed and the way I need to live now has changed. But my soul hadn’t moved on. In fact my very DNA carries genetics from Ireland, where, in the c1850, if you weren’t tough beyond all scope that is imaginable today, you would have been laying, starved at the side of the road. My sister and I were looking at family names on the other side of the family, and realising, more sure than ever, of the Romany lineage. People who moved, as is in fact natural to us as a species, in opposition to what the rest of the settling world was doing. Living in a far more traditional, yet tougher way, for longer. Having to stand tall in the face or prejudice and adversity from the outside. And going back further the red and blonde hair, showing our Celtic and possible Viking links. Strong people from difficult times.

I don’t need to keep promises which no longer serve me (another change I had to deal with from my previous, long term relationship/engagement).

I still need those parts, those lessons. Feeling pain being a big thing. Learning through trials. And repeating lessons; just in case I didn’t get it 😉 . But I don’t need to draw as deep in this life. It is easier. My soul has seen more than I can possibly ever care to remember, but it holds onto all of the information. More pain, and war, and fear and sadness then I would ever want to see. And it knows, now, life has changed. It is simpler times, safer times, more open and relaxed times. The passing of time, of all those Eons has given me a great gift; the gift of true perspective.

And so, with my soul knowing I don’t need to dig as deep, just to survive, just to function, it can allow itself to flow, without bracing itself for the next issue. It can just be. And create, and develop and be all the things it was ever meant to be, without the harsher parts of humanity getting in the way. I can nurture and feed and nourish, without fearing for my offspring.

I can now draw on the dizzy heights of lightness and easiness in order to function.

Without having my children I would never have known this, never really been able to get to the core of myself. They are the greatest gift of all and have given me the greatest gift. God(dess) bless them a hundred fold for it; I can never thank them enough.

Without them I would have thought I’d done a pretty good job of just being. But they pushed me to the point where I saw myself change, surviving on the skills that no longer serve this incarnation. And in not liking that change, I did something about it.

So the biggest change in my wordly life, has also led to the biggest change in soul’s entire life(s). And I have no doubt that just when I think I’m getting there again, the Universe will unpeel another whole layer for me to think about.

And it was the easiest thing; by just being what my soul was created to be.

What a wonderful opportunity this existence has truly given me.

I would love to hear your thoughts, if any of this resonates with you and of any changes that have happened in your own life, and how they have led to things you didn’t think were possible.

Love as always

Rachael x